In pursuit of finding out who I am, I was fazed with the quick surge of Korean Pop culture due to one band (I shall not name). It bothered me to points where I got out of my usual pity-party self and realized how happy I could really be. Even my friends say they haven't seen me this happy.
Then why make a fuss out of being happy? I'd instantaneously say that this is not my usual self. Adele has been a part of my then-usual playlist. I'd mix in some Christina Aguilera for attitude and angst and maybe sprinkle some Lily Allen to sweeten the "[expletive]" pot. Maybe I was that angry or deprived. Whatever that was, I would really want to know. Ask a psychologist maybe? I have not yet come to terms to what I want to feel everyday - escaping with happiness or staying to fight some unhappy war. And deep within this war myself clashes with what I really am in the moment, happy or sad? Happy to be happy or sad to be happy because happy wasn't really me? Do I even deserve to be happy? One thing's for sure, however. Whatever this happiness is, it has redirected my attention from what could have been to what could be. It has taken me from that pit of loneliness into some fine line where I'm left to argue with myself and even reach to self-hate. Maybe I'd choose a side, but that would be days from now.
With all this pain of figuring myself out I have remembered the red pill-blue pill situation of having yourself know the truth but deal with the pain that comes with it or retract to some blissful ignorance. This made me realize how people would have wanted to forget some things in their own past. Even I have some things that I want gone. Things I've said and done. Things I knew. Things gone. What do you get from detachment from the truth? Lies, yes, but do you think that you'd still be you after it? You wouldn't - and maybe that's everybody's point for undoing things. You could have seen something else if it weren't for that big event that changed your life forever. But everybody rises up from those moments of weakness and become stronger than they were before. Tuesdays with Morrie indicates that "If you hold back on the emotions-if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through them--you can never get to being detached [from the pain], you're too busy being afraid." Then it is okay to bathe in the pain. To bask in every single agony only to be free from it eventually. Swords don't get better if they haven't been put in the hottest of flames and hit several times with a hammer. Strength is getting by and surviving when you're the one in heat and not getting eaten by flames into ash. The pain today is infinitesimal to the joy of making it out intact. And to trade them for nothing would make you weak when a harder blow comes.
Ignorance is bliss but the truth is a privilege.
Since KPop, I have eventually took a liking for electronica, a far more unusual cry from the guitar strums, piano keys and horns my iPod usually carries. And somehow I was happy, unfortunately because of the detachment from reality Pop music brings. But without it, I would've never seen the absurdity of the reason of my sadness. Thank goodness the pills are figments of man's imagination.
0 comments:
Post a Comment